The National Security Agency, the U.S. government's 40,000-strong family of cryptologists who guard American safety by deciphering secret codes that threaten the U.S., and protecting with codes vital American secrets, has made a commitment to create a safe and welcoming work environment that holds its own against those corporations that seek to court the gay market.

Yesterday, I spent the day working with the civilian and military leaders of NSA and found myself feeling not only completely at home but affirmed in my message of creating an environment in which openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees can thrive.

Though I had done my homework and felt very prepared for my assignment, I was confronted with my own fears and biases about a military-based secret government agency. The men and women who lead and work at NSA are as committed to diversity as any executives I have encountered in my 34 years of work in this field. Openly gay and lesbian civilian workers are protected by a non-discrimination policy.

In response to the two presentations that I made, one to the open workforce and one to senior managers, I received two long standing ovations, something that is very unusual for them and for me with a workplace talk. If I was a younger man, I would consider a career with the NSA, though they have to keep their lives secret from family members and friends, and I've had enough secrets in my life.

* * *

In preparation for an interview with a reporter writing an article on corporations and their diversity initiatives on gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender issues, I was sent a list of nine questions to which I responded by Blackberry from the airport as I made my way to NSA. You may find the Q and A of interest.

Here are the questions:

1. Do experts think momentum may now increase for employers to do

more to provide same-sex couples the types of employee benefits available to

male-female married couples? How influential do experts think California

and to some extent New York might be in encouraging employers elsewhere to

adopt gay-friendly policies?

2. What are the options for employers seeking to make their workplaces

more gay friendly?

3. What’s the current status of employers’ efforts re GLBT employees?

4. How many companies now offer benefits to same sex couples?

5. What benefits are most important?

6. How many same-sex couples are covered by health insurance?

7. To what extent might the status of the economy and the availability

of workers affect employers’ willingness to do more than the minimum for

GLBT employees?

8. If employers do begin to become more gay-friendly, what could they

expect to gain from such action? Would it be good for retention and employee

relations to do more than the law may require for GLBT employees? Are there

other pluses that employers might be likely to derive from being more

accommodating to their gay employees?

employer’s responsibility? Where else in society does the responsibility lie

for better, more equitable treatment of GLBT employees?

Here are my responses:

1.) If you haven't already done so, I suggest the you use your Internet search engine (Google) to locate the Human Rights Campaign's Corporate Equality Index. By exploring the criteria HRC established for judging a workplace to be safe and welcoming for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people, you will get a good idea of what most people accept as benchmarks for "Best Practice." Key to that are: a non-discrimination policy that covers sexual orientation and gender identity, domestic partner benefits, support for a gay Employee Resource Group (ERG) and corporate-wide education on the issues. After reviewing the criteria, check and see how many companies have a 100 percent rating. Most Fortune 500 companies have a non-discrimination policy on sexual orientation and provide domestic partner benefits.

I have been an advisor to HRC on workplace issues for many years. I feel strongly that they don't emphasize education sufficiently. They give 5 points out of 100 to a company for providing diversity training, which is absurd when every diversity director in the world would agree that providing training on gay and transgender issues is the only reliable means of helping the corporate culture to catch up with the corporate goal of valuing diversity.

The ruling on gay marriage in California, as well as the discussions on gay marriage and civil unions that are taking place not only throughout the United States but also the world is helping to "normalize" the lives of gay and lesbian people. Ignorance (or lack of exposure) is the parent of fear and fear is the parent of hatred. Anyone who has been to a foreign country and not known the language understands that their possible discomfort with gay and transgender issues is because they "don't know the language." The California rulings and news of gay marriage in all of Canada, Spain, the Netherlands, etc. helps them gradually "learn the language," and become more comfortable with the issues.

Another effect of such rulings and subsequent press reporting is that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employees have much higher expectations of their employers. In the great search for talent, in which corporations globally are seeking to attract and retain the best and brightest employees, there is an understanding that young gay and straight people who attend a gay wedding or civil union on Saturday are not going to tolerate a hostile or unwelcoming environment for gay people on Monday. When asked "What did you do over the weekend, they want to be able to say "I went to a gay wedding" without worrying about what kind of a response they'll get.

2.) Companies need to ensure that their gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees feel welcome and valued for the unique contributions they can make. To communicate their goals of attracting and retaining the best and brightest gay and transgender employees they need to effectively advertise their commitment to valuing all diversity and get their house in order. To achieve the first goal, corporations need to promote their values in their documents/policies, advertise them on their Web site and in all targeted advertising, actively participate in college career days and gay business fairs, encourage the participation of their gay and transgender employees in public events, such as Pride marches, and financially support gay community events. In their own house, corporations need to effectively communicate their diversity policies, make clear what behaviors are unacceptable, evaluate managers by their proactive efforts to create a safe and productive workplace, and enable their gay and transgender ERG to partner with them in participating in their goals.

3.) Corporations across the spectrum and across the globe are working hard at establishing themselves as workplaces that value diversity. I've been working with senior executives throughout the world (US, Canada, UK, Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo) for over twenty years, helping them to be more effective in their efforts to create a welcoming work environment for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employees.

4.) Check with HRC on DP benefits.

5.) Health care and relocation benefits are essential especially for a global corporation.

6.) Check with HRC and Lambda Legal Defense Fund in NYC regarding the number of couples covered. Remember that gay DP benefits count as taxable income and that to secure them you have to come out and prove that you are in a relationship.

7.) There is always a war for talent. The current challenging economic conditions have not impacted the number of requests I get for training. I'm trying with difficulty to cut back on my road trips.

8.) Besides attracting and retaining the best and brightest gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees, companies that work hard to create a positive public image are better positioned to attract the estimated billions of dollars of expendable income represented by the product-loyal gay community. It is no coincidence that the overwhelming majority of my clients are financial institutions.

They know that it makes good business sense to be seen as gay-friendly.

9.) While gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees are invaluable resources to a company that seeks to become more confident and competent in addressing gay and transgender issues, the Executive Committee should lead the way in these efforts. All levels of senior leadership should be involved, from production and research to marketing and the law department. Many companies today have their efforts initiated by the directors of diversity and human resources but to be successful sponsorship should be embraced by the CEO, COO, and CFO.

For the sake of my relationship with Ray and for my own need to recharge, I'm taking a summer vacation from writing my blogs and making corporate presentations. I plan to swim, boat, fish, and work in the garden. Enjoy your time too. See you in September.

     The young Saudi Arabian immigrant who drove me to the airport said his name is Osama.

     "Do you take grief for your name?" I asked as the hotel van headed to the Columbus airport.

     "Only from ignorant people," the 21-year-old chemical engineering graduate replied in Americanized English.

     His serene sense of self impressed me enormously. There was no hesitancy about his Muslim faith or his family's heritage during a time of orange alert.

     "After 9/11, my friends said I should go by the name 'Sam,' but I said 'Call me Osama'."

    "Your confidence and self-affirmation will take you far in life," I told him as he dropped me off in front of the Delta ticket counter.

     "Thanks," he replied with a broad, boyish grin.

     The night before, I was with the Executive Diversity Council of Battelle, a highly-respected research organization that specializes in homeland security, health science, and technology. In the room with the senior executives were a handful of gay and lesbian employees. At one point during my presentation I spotted one of the most confident-appearing lesbians crying.

     The opportunity provided itself later to talk about the amount of armor that is required to work in an environment in which you feel "tolerated" rather than affirmed.

     "You have a short fuse, don't you?" I asked her in front of the others.

     "I do," she acknowledged. "I get worn down by the need to daily tone down who I am."

     The former Marine colonel who had insisted that I be brought in to speak at the company said that he had no idea  how much people felt the need to hide who they were.

     We all talked about how important coming out was to the individual and to the firm, and how the only way to be personally and professionally successful was by being open about your sexual orientation.

     Heterosexuals take their lead from gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people on how comfortable to be with the topic. Several people came up to me afterwards and said that my self-confidence as a gay man enabled them to relax and listen comfortably.

     I explained that being 60 and having spent my entire adult life educating others about gay issues had a lot to do with my self-confidence.

     When I came out in 1974, I had the same self-assurance as Osama, my driver to the airport. I succeeded in large part because of my sense of basic goodness. People took their lead from me. If Brian felt good about being gay, then they could relax.

     What they didn't know is that my fuse eventually got very short too. Many times I wanted to sit and cry in my hotel room after a presentation because I was so tired and felt so worn down by the need to explain myself and by the experience of being tolerated rather than valued. I never cried in front of others and I never revealed my short fuse.

     The good news is that I broke through the pain, like an athlete who comes out the other side of the thoughts of quitting. I got to the point in my life when the self love, acceptance, and confidence was strong enough and consistent enough to not be impacted by the awareness that I was being accommodated rather than valued.

     I have always believed that "the messenger" is the message. My message for the past three decades has been that being gay is good, natural, and not an impediment to happiness. I feel that I have had success in communicating that the only true happiness available to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people is outside of the closet. It's a rough, challenging journey out of all of the doors that are hinged on our opening to freedom, but the tears and frustrations are worth it.

     Now, though, the message of the messenger, it seems, is that there is true joy for all of us available when we no longer have to work at self-acceptance and affirmation -- that anyone can come to truly love their lives regardless of the accommodating attitudes of others.

     Osama has a long life journey ahead of him in which he will help others get past their fear of Saudis and Muslims and people with fear-laced names. I suspect though that he will have his share of tears of frustration and exhaustion. His fuse will get short. But if he continues to nurture his youthful self-confidence, he will eventually break through the pain and provide his contemporaries a model of true serenity.

I want to transfer a gay or transgender employee to an office in country with hostile cultural attitudes on the issues?

Do NOT do so without consulting with the gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender employee to determine if he or she wants to consider taking the assignment.

Do NOT assume that because the culture is hostile that the gay or transgender employee would not want to go. However, be sure to find out what the laws in the area are regarding homosexuality and transgenderism.

Do NOT make assumptions about the culture. Many places around the world have reputations of being unwelcoming but the atmosphere has changed for the better. Check with the Human Resources professional and Diversity specialist in the region and with the gay and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG) should there be one in the area.

Do NOT send the gay or transgender employee to the region without asking his or her permission to notify their future manager of the situation.

DO talk at length with the gay or transgender employee as to why you want to send him or her to the region, why you feel it would be good for the company, and why it would be good for them, if you believe it to be.

DO ask what reservations the gay or transgender employee might have about working in the office in the new region, such as whether there is a support community, attitudes of his new manager and the local HR representative toward gay and transgender issues, the timeframe of the assignment, and what he or she would do if they entered a relationship prior to the assignment or while on assignment.

the gay or transgender person I want to transfer has a spouse/partner?

Do NOT assume that it will be easy for either person to relocate, even if it is to a place in the world known for its welcoming attitude toward gay and transgender people.

Do NOT assume that the gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender couple is not interested.

DO check on immigration laws. Can the couple immigrate as a couple? Do both individuals need work permits? What work is now done by the spouse/partner of your gay or transgender employee and how will he or she continue to make a living in the new location?

DO plan on paying all relocation expenses for both members of the relationship, just as you would if the employee was in a heterosexual partnership.

DO prepare the office to which he or she is being sent for the arrival of a gay or transgender couple, should the employee consent to such notification. Seek support in advance from the Human Resources professional, Diversity specialist, and gay and transgender Employee Resource Group in the new area.

DO prepare to help your gay or transgender employee if he or she enters a relationship with a foreign national while on assignment and wants to return to your home office to work.

I have a parent or spouse of a gay or transgender person and they need help?

Do NOT take lightly their need for help. If they are troubled by the issue, it will impact his or her productivity and that of the team. Their difficulties are a business concern.

DO communicate with the employee that you take seriously their situation, that you support them completely in addressing their concern, and that you do so without judgment or personal bias.

DO contact the Human Resources office, the Diversity specialist, and the leadership of the company’s gay and transgender Employee Resource Group and ask for help. They can provide you with local resources and offer to meet with and support the employee who needs help. Local resources can include support groups, therapists, literature, social events, and mentoring options.

DO follow-up with the employee to ensure that he or she is getting the support that they need.

I want to recruit talented gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees?

Do NOT think your competition isn’t trying to do the same. They are showing up at college career days, setting up booths, and displaying literature that shows their support of gay and transgender issues. They are also attending meetings of and making presentations at professional conferences that attract gay and transgender employees, such as those held annually by Out and Equal in the U.S., and more regularly by local gay business organizations. Some firms are placing large display ads in national print media read by gay and transgender people, or on the Internet. Most firms that seek gay and transgender talent are underscoring their commitment to valuing diversity on their company web sites.

DO consult with your gay and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG), your Human Resources professional, and your Diversity specialist and ask for help in achieving your goals.

I want to be an ally?

Do NOT assume you aren’t already an ally. By asking the question, you show that you are.

Do NOT pass up an opportunity to show to others at work that you are an ally by doing such things as refusing to laugh at anti-gay or anti-transgender humor, by speaking up if others are discussing the issues, by raising the issue yourself in staff meetings, by requesting diversity training on the issues in your department, by using inclusive language (“Do you have a partner?” instead of “Are you married?”), by sitting with gay and transgender people in the cafeteria and figuring out a way to make the gay and transgender people feel more welcome at company social events, and by not being afraid to be mistaken as gay or transgender by others because of your strong support.

DO contact the company’s existing gay and transgender Employee Resource Group and tell them that you’d like to be a member. If there is not a gay and transgender ERG in your location, contact the Human Resources office or your Diversity specialist and tell them of your interest in starting a local chapter.

     The cab driver who took us to the Singapore National Museum Monday morning had once spent several years with the country's secret service. He had also been a paratrooper, body guard, and private detective. He was a gracious man but Ray and I got the impression that he didn't suffer fools gladly.

     When I asked him in the car about local attitudes toward gay issues he said that he knew three gay people, including one who had committed suicide, and that he liked them, but he felt very strongly that the attitudes of the people of Singapore would never change. There would always be negative feelings about homosexuality, which he and his generation often confused with transgenderism. (The friend who committed suicide was a man who wanted to be a woman.)

     But, the group of sixty Chinese, Malay, Indian and ex-patriot Merrill Lynch employees with whom I spoke for two hours later that same day disagreed strongly with his assessment. Younger by many years than he, the majority felt that gay people should come out at work and that nothing bad would happen to them at Merrill if they did, despite the punitive law on the books.

     Made up mostly of information technology (IT) personnel and other support staff, the audience laughed, cried, and clapped with the same sophistication, empathy, and enthusiasm as any group with which I have ever worked anywhere in the world.

     Quite frankly, I was very surprised. Given the impressions I drew from researching Singaporean history and culture before and during my stay, and the warnings I had been given by others, including by local gay Chinese men, prior to my presentation, I expected to experience greater caution, confusion, and no emotional response to my presentation from my audience. I couldn't have been happier or more pleased with what actually transpired.

     The majority of the participants said they knew someone who was gay but no one knew of anyone at work who was out. They nodded their heads in affirmation when I suggested that between five and ten percent of Merrill's workforce and of the Republic's population was gay, and that lack of exposure on the issues of sexual orientation and gender identity was what prompted there to be little comfort with the topics at work and in the family.

     Singapore is an Asian culture, traditionally conservative in its gender role expectations and generally confused about the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Men are expected to be strong, to produce children, to protect their families, and to take care of their parents. If one is thought to be homosexual, the assumption has always been that the male would be weak, effeminate, and not a reliable family guardian -- not a bad person, but not a source of confidence and pride in the family.

     Knowing the difference between "accommodation" and "acceptance," and how good will needs to be strengthened with accurate information, I first built the strong business case for our time together at Merrill and then spent a little more time with this audience than I usually would explaining contemporary beliefs about sexuality, and the proper terminology for discussing sexual orientation and gender identity. I specifically kept checking in to make sure they were clear on the difference between what gender I am sexually attracted to and what gender I see myself as being. The cab driver said he knew that there were men in Singapore who "were manly during the day but ladies at night." I worked to make sure that he and the audience understood that there were also gay men who were manly during the day and manly at night.

     This training, as I have previously suggested, was very historic for Singapore and exceedingly exciting for Merrill Lynch and for the local gay community. One Chinese senior manager brought her teenage son to my presentation. Twice I noticed her weeping in the back of the room. The Indian head of Wealth Management for the region, who hosted the celebratory dinner afterwards, gushed about its personal impact and asked when I would be available to provide this training to Merrill employees in India. The regional head of diversity talked about the next step being me coming to Tokyo, but she also cautioned me not to expect the same degree of enthusiastic participation from my audience two days later at Merrill because they were going to be an older Asian group from Wealth Management and the trading floor whose attitudes might more resemble that of the former secret service cab driver.

     In my mind, it wouldn't be the attitudes of the traders about homosexuality that would most challenge me on Wednesday, as I've worked with traders in most every firm in nearly all of the world's financial centers. The trading floor is considered by employees in every firm as the roughest terrain for any minority or sensitive person. Dominated by heterosexual male "individualists," the trading floor is the one place where other employees expect to hear derogatory jokes and language. But I have found the men and women who work there just as able to understand and embrace the reasoning behind the corporation's policy on "valuing diversity," and just as able to laugh with me at the stereotypes we have of gay people. Because of Ray's long association with Lehman's trading floor, I have a reservoir of trust with this audience.

     Nor would I be intimidated by the law on the books in Singapore that prohibits sex between men. Many of the U.S. states in which I have conducted training on gay issues had similar laws to 377A prior to the Supreme Court decision in "Lawrence v. Texas" which eliminated sodomy laws. 377A in Singapore covers "behavior," not sexual orientation or identity, which are the focus of my work. And Penal Code 377A is not enforced. (If it was enforced, it would be with jail time, not beheading which I erroneously wrote earlier as the punishment here for drug trafficking. They hang criminals in Singapore.)

    And it wouldn't be the cultural make-up of the audience of traders on Wednesday that challenged me. Though Ray and I have found the Singaporeans on the street to be difficult to engage with smiles and eye contact, all of those with whom we have had any direct dealings, from the cab drivers to and from the city's amazing zoo and botanical gardens, to the vendors in the Chinatown, we have found the people to be very warm, gracious, and good humored. Personal contact is required and I would have that on Wednesday.

     No, the biggest challenge I would face when working with these Singaporean traders and wealth managers was successfully answering the question for these highly-motivated, singularly-focused money-men (and women) who make or break a company's financial viability, is "Why at a time when financial institutions are announcing confidence-shaking record losses, and volatile financial markets are seeing their worst numbers in decades, are we taking two hours out of the demanding day of nerve-racking decision-making to talk about the comfort level of people who 'get it on' in the bedroom with members of their own sex, and of those who feel the need to change their sex?"

    The answer, of course, is that there is no better time to do it. If these traders and wealth managers don't want to leave any more money on the table, they need to learn how to effectively communicate with a global minority population that has billions of dollars of disposable income, is tired of accommodating insensitive business pitches and behaviors, and is fiercely loyal to those companies which make an effort to respectfully meet their needs, that Merrill Lynch is the company they should use to invest their money. In addition, there is fierce competition among the financial firms to attract and retain the best and brightest talent to help turn the dismal financial numbers around. If that best and brightest talent happens to be, as it so often is, gay, it's in the traders and the wealth managers’ best interest to create a workplace in which their gay colleagues feel safe and valued. If the best minds need to be put to work to improve this financial situation, the firm better hope that the best minds in the world feel that Merrill Lynch is the best place in which to work. Hearing homophobic jokes and comments on a daily basis in the office doesn't make it the most appealing place to work.

     The night before I spoke to this group, Ray and I employed the former paratrooping, secret service, private eye, body guard, twice-married father of six, tour directing cab driver to give us a richer understanding of Singapore's diverse culture. As such, we visited a mosque and the area of town in which the Malays live, we toured a Buddhist temple and dined in China town as it excitedly prepared for the commencement of the Year of the Rat, and we watched as several hundred brightly-dressed Indians processed in the annual Hindu Thaipusam festival during which they carried hand-decorated Kavadi (altars) to transport milk from one temple to another in thanksgiving and in petition of good fortune. The evening ended with a visit to a gay bar (Cafe Romeo) which I felt certain the driver had made a mistake in choosing, as it was filled with highly-flirtatious, beautiful hookers who I was surprised to learn were gay cross dressers and transsexuals from Thailand. It confirmed for me the confusion that Singaporeans have between sexual orientation and gender identity.

     "Don't you have any bars where the gay men are dressed as men?" I asked. "Oh, yes," our driver replied, "there is one where people go but you'd never know that they were gay."

     My 5 p.m. talk the next day at Merrill was attended by the head of the trading floor, 20 people in wealth management, and 60 others in finance, Human Resources, and support services. The vast majority of participants were Chinese. To my delight, they all seemed to immediately understand and support my arguments for not only why this was a business issue well worth their time and attention during this period of global financial upheaval, but also embrace with excitement my counsel on how to build a loyal client base among the wealthy but closeted gay community of Singapore.

     For two hours, I guided them point by point through my training and then, to my complete delight, spent two more unscheduled hours with them answering questions over refreshments on how to help gay family members and colleagues come out. One Chinese woman cried as she spoke in hushed tones, one on one, about her lesbian daughter she wanted to support, and others created a big circle and asked question after question about how best to be seen as an ally.

     The head of the trading floor asked how we might help educate the local government and the head of finance said that next time I came to Singapore he was going to require his whole staff to attend. "It's the best talk I've ever heard," announced the head of wealth management.

     By the end of the evening, I was exhausted but delighted that my hosts, Roman Matla and Goki Muthusamy, were so excited by and pleased with the success of the two talks I had given in the city, and the two in Australia the week before. We celebrated by having a very late dinner at a Japanese steak house where we recollected the highlights of the trip and planned for the next steps.

     When Ray and I stumbled with fatigue back into our hotel, the concierge alerted us to a box that had been left at the desk. It was a gift to us from our former secret service cab driver -- a token of our new friendship. It was for "good luck" he said.

     Ray and I leave Singapore tomorrow morning feeling some sadness that this extraordinary adventure is over, as well as excitement about heading home. We have come to admire and feel very comfortable in Singapore, impressed with its beauty, safety, and good order. The people we have met from every culture and economic level have impressed us with their basic goodness and ability to laugh. Many of them lament the changes they see in the quality of life coming to this rapidly-developing, rich Republic, while at the same time bemoaning the slow pace of evolving social attitudes.

     If invited back to work here, I will come gladly, as it is thrilling and humbling to know that I can have such a positive impact on the lives of people who are starving for affirmation and information as they struggle with their gay lives or those of loved ones. It also delights me to be a player in the major influence on cultural attitudes that is happening through the corporate need to attract and retain talent in every corner of the world.

Let’s acknowledge that there are some people who, no matter how safe and supportive the environment, will not share with others at work the details of their heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual lives. When their colleagues are discussing holiday plans, weekend activities or even birthdays and anniversaries, they keep personal information to themselves. They have no pictures of loved ones in their work areas, and they come to corporate social functions alone or don’t come at all. The company respects their right to privacy. Some cultures even encourage such behavior. These coworkers should be allowed to be left alone.

That being said, I think that hiding one’s sexual orientation from others at work, especially when you would prefer to do otherwise, generally has a very negative impact on the productivity and happiness of the individual and of the team. If you suspect that a colleague is gay, chances are good that everyone else does too. As long as the coworker in question remains silent, especially when given the opportunity to speak safely, the secret is associated with shame and is treated by others as such.

An employee who is out of the closet is generally more likely to be content with his or her working conditions, more productive because they are not expending energy and time hiding, and they are more likely to develop into team members and leaders who are personally and professionally respected.

So, should you try to help your colleague come out, especially if their secrecy is impacting their performance? Yes! But how do you do it? Do you just come right out and ask him or her in front of others, “Are you gay?” No! That would not be the best approach. Okay, but if not that strategy, then what?

Do you remember how the young boy Elliot coaxed E.T. out of the garden shed in the popular Steven Spielberg film E.T.? It was with a tempting trail of sweet Reese’s Pieces candy. Gay people, like E.T., need to know that there is an advantage to leaving the closet and that they are completely safe in doing so.

Everyday behaviors in the corporation that are counterparts to Reese’s Pieces include using the words “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,” and “transgender,” respectfully, talking positively about gay issues during office discussions, sponsoring diversity training on gay issues, using inclusive language (“Do you have a partner?” vs. “Are you married?”), quickly and effectively challenging anti-gay comments and behaviors, and being seen in the company of openly gay colleagues, both socially and in the cafeteria.

But what if you have done all of that and E.T. still won’t leave the garden shed?

Be patient. It takes time to build trust. But, if you have truly depleted your supply of Reese’s Pieces, and you feel strongly that being in the closet is impacting not only the gay person’s performance but the cohesiveness of the entire team, I feel that it is not only appropriate but professionally necessary for you to gently knock on the door of the shed and respectfully ask permission to come in.

Motivated solely by the desire to help coach your colleague effectively so that he or she is able to produce at their highest level and bring all of their unique gifts to the table, you should begin by consulting with your Diversity specialists or Human Resources professionals. Let them know of your problem and of your plan. Ask their guidance on how best to approach the employee within the parameters of corporate policy. Next, arrange to meet with your closeted colleague in a setting that feels completely safe. Put yourself in his or her position. What will be most private and least conspicuous? It may be an office with the door closed or in a nearby restaurant or coffee shop.

It’s very important that you choose your own words to discuss the issue, but it will help a lot if your “music,” or your body language, constantly communicates safety and support. This means: Make eye contact, smile, don’t cross your arms; imagine yourself discussing something warm and wonderful with a beloved family member as opposed to something dreary and painful with a stranger. See yourself as an ally who is not prying but rather mentoring.

If I was in such a situation as a manager, I might begin by saying, “Thank you for meeting with me. I think you know how glad I am to have you as a member of our team at work. You are bright and talented and bring a great deal to the table.”

After allowing for them to acknowledge the affirmation, I might continue, “In my capacity as your manager, I see it as my job to maximize the effectiveness of each member of the team. As such, I’ve come to believe that there is something holding you back from emerging as the leader I see you having the potential to be. It feels to me as if you might be holding back in your interactions with the team and with me. I’m not displeased with the quality of your work but I am concerned about your ability to feel safe and valued in the office.”

The entire time I was speaking, I would watch the face and body language of my colleague to see if he or she was feeling confused or upset by my comments. I’d stop at any time it looked as if they wanted to talk or ask a question. I’d need to be prepared to give examples of how they are holding back in their interactions at work.

“I sense that you are a very private person and I have no desire to infringe upon your privacy, but I was wondering if you feel you are as happy at work as you want to be, and whether you feel as free to be yourself at work as you’d like?”

This may not work. I’ve checked this approach out with a dozen gay people I know in the corporate world and their universal response is that it would effectively create an opportunity for them to come out, if they felt able. But that’s their opinion and mine, and we’re speaking as openly gay people. Trust your instincts. Do what works for you. But do something. Remember, avoidance is not a good business strategy personally or professionally.

Despite your best efforts, the gay colleague may still be too terrified of coming out for reasons you’ll never know, such as their life partner is an untenured teacher at a local school where there are no legal protections, or their father also works in the company and has forbidden them from coming out. Nevertheless, you didn’t fail. Trust that you have had a very effective and meaningful discussion. If they still need to cling to the safety of the shed, and they say “No, there’s nothing wrong at work. I feel just fine,” then smile and say without a look of disappointment, “Okay, good, I’m just checking in with you as I do periodically with others. You know that I’m here for you should you need me.”

But, don’t be surprised if three weeks later, the colleague in question approaches you and asks, “Can we talk?”

(I welcome comments and questions. Please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)

The question in the e-mail that arrived over the holiday weekend is not different than the one that has been asked for many, many years. The answer has changed, however, due to the long, hard work all of us have put into creating a world in which everyone feels valued.

“Hi Brian,

I am a lesbian with a partner. I had a previous partner of 5 years with whom I helped raise her biological son. At work, I often spoke about my ‘son,’ however, I was unsure how to field questions about him and our family, and most certainly unsure about the ‘weekend’ question. I never revealed that I was gay until I was leaving on disability, and I only did that because I knew I was never going back. Now that I am beginning a new job, I am in love with my new girlfriend of 2 years, and I really have no clue about how to approach these issues in a new workplace. I read your article on subtle discrimination, and I find that similar issues arise because I am considered a ‘single’ person with no children, and it is assumed that I can work later or take my vacation at a different time since I have no ‘family’ commitments, which I find unfair. Please, any advice that you would be willing to give is much appreciated. Happy New Year to you!”

Congratulations on your new job and on your relationship. Let’s both make a New Year’s resolution that in 2008 we’re not going to let anything or anyone at any time stop us from celebrating who we are in the world. It’s a challenge that faces all of us but one that we can overcome, especially if we do it together.

You didn’t tell me anything about your new job, so it’s hard for me to offer specific counsel about how to come out at work. There are so many variables. But you and I both know that you’ll be much happier and a much better worker if you are able to be yourself at work. It also will be a lot healthier for your relationship. If you hide your relationship at work, your partner will begin to feel that what you share together is embarrassing to you with others. Being in the closet is bad for our own health and the health of our family.

If your e-mail address is any indication of where you live, the State of Maryland prohibits discrimination based upon sexual orientation, so your company, whether or not it has its own non-discrimination policy, is bound by state law to protect you from a hostile or unwelcoming work environment. If it was me, I would first ask to meet with someone from Human Resources and tell him or her confidentially that I am gay and that I want to be able to be out at work. I’d ask them if they have any suggestions about doing so. I’d ask if my supervisor had any training on gay workplace issues and if he or she were clear about what is expected of them. I’d ask if there was an employee resource group (ERG) for gay people that I might contact.

In the office, I’d start slowly, not with an announcement on Monday morning of “Good morning everyone. I’m gay,” - but rather by putting a picture of my partner in my work area, and responding to questions about my weekend by saying “My partner and I plan to…” or “Ray and I saw a great film.” When asked to stay late or come in early, I’d say, “I’d be glad to. I’ll have to call Ray, because we have made plans with friends, but he’ll understand.” If I was asked to change my vacation plans, I’d say, “I’d be glad to, but Ray has already signed up for that week of vacation, and we’re taking a family holiday to Florida. The tickets are paid for. Can you please ask someone else?” Eventually, after watching his or her behavior to ensure that I was safe, I would ask to meet with my boss and share with him or her about my sexual orientation. If they asked how they could be most supportive, I’d suggest that they sponsor diversity training for the department on sexual orientation.

People take their cues from us. If we’re comfortable with ourselves, they eventually will be too. If they sense we’re hiding something, they’ll sooner or later figure out what it is and treat it as a shameful thing.

I’m in your corner. Don’t hesitate to come back and ask for support. But keep your eye on the horizon. You know the life you want and need to live. Don’t settle for anything less.

With best wishes for a New Year that is happy as a result of you singing your song with confidence and pride,

Brian

A few years ago, my response to this inquiry would have been filled with far more caution about the consequences of coming out. But times have changed, at least in most Western and in some Latin cultures. The plusses of coming out at work today almost always far outweigh the minuses in those environments.

My perspective is colored by the experiences I’ve had with U.S. companies and European financial institutions which have policies that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation. In those settings, I have seen openly gay people excel professionally and personally. These individuals have the support of their Human Resource (HR) representatives, have access to gay employee groups, and benefit from the positive effects of diversity training. Coming out under these circumstances, especially in an office and among peers that are professionally respectful of individual differences increases the sense of belonging and enhances productivity by eliminating unnecessary emotional distractions. In those same settings, I have seen closeted gay men and women flounder in fear, expending inordinate amounts of energy worrying about what they say to their peers and clients when asked about their private lives. Dodging the question “Are you married?” can send a closeted gay person into a funk for the rest of the day.

Even in settings where coming out might seem ill-advised, such as on factory floors, in a police or fire department, or in socially conservative sections of a country, given the right support from HR and peers, coming out produces far more happiness on the job than will ever be achieved by staying in the closet. People who stay in the closet are almost always suspected of being gay. Because they keep their private life a secret, they are often not seen as a good team player and therefore not a candidate for further advancement. If they experience their homosexuality as a negative, so too will their colleagues. If they present it as a positive, their colleagues will follow their lead.

Clearly, there are reasonable exceptions. Some people, gay, bisexual, or heterosexual, for instance, are shy and very private inside and outside of work. Coming out would do nothing to improve the quality of their daily interactions with peers because they wouldn’t welcome increased social interaction.

Some gay people have extenuating circumstances that impact the freedom they feel in coming out. The company may not prohibit discrimination based upon sexual orientation. Their immediate supervisor may be blatantly homophobic. Their HR representative may be clueless. My advice to them is to change jobs if at all possible. There is no reason to suffer in the closet when there are so many companies worldwide that would welcome them as openly gay people. In most countries today, there is no acceptable price tag for enduring an emotionally-abusive environment.

(If you have a question or comment, please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)

A multi-national corporation has recently commissioned a study on creating a safe and productive corporate culture for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. Aware that policies do not create a welcoming work environment, the company seeks to have an instrument to measure the comfort of the environment and a strategy for improving working conditions. It’s a noble endeavor but, in my opinion, not a great use of it resources.

I’m not a social scientist, but it seems to me that there is no reliable means of measuring whether a workplace environment feels safe and welcoming to its gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employees except through anecdotal reporting. With other issues of diversity, it is easier to look at the Executive Committee of a company to see if women and racial minorities have found a place at the table. Gay people are already at the table and have been for years, but they’re invisible and, at that level, will probably remain so for many years to come.

If you poll the members of a company’s gay and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG) to inquire about the environment, you’re only going to get the opinions of those who feel comfortable enough to join the ERG. How do we ask those who are too frightened to come out whether they feel safe at work? Promising anonymity in a company-wide employee survey won’t help much either, as every anonymous survey always undercounts the numbers of gay and transgender people, as most people don’t fully trust that any survey is truly anonymous. Furthermore, the manner in which questions are asked always eliminates accurate answers from people from one culture or another.

So does that mean that there is no data to offer to build our case for the need to work on improving the corporate climate for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people? No, heterosexual employees can tell you that the culture isn’t safe for gay and transgender people. I always ask my audiences to evaluate the environment and they consistently tell me that the workplace is only “somewhat welcoming.” They notice that gay people aren’t out and that the subject is never talked about. And they agree that the only reliable means to change the corporate culture so that gay people can come out and so that heterosexuals feel comfortable talking about sexual orientation and gender identity is to provide diversity training on the issues, starting at the top with the Executive Committee and working all through the company at every level or responsibility.

Such training, to be successful, needs to be hosted by the person with the most seniority and influence in the company, in the location, or in the department. Every employee needs to hear from him or her why this issue is an important business concern, what the company’s policy is on the matter, and what is expected of them as employees. He or she should then sit with the employees through the training, and, at the end, stand to affirm the content of the training and state what two or three important new things were learned. Within the week, every person attending the training should also receive a follow-up e-mail evaluation and reminder of the available resources in the company.

Secondly, to be successful in their efforts to have their training on gay and transgender issues improve the corporate culture, each company should monitor the progress of the endeavor through their Executive Committee, on which would sit not only the director of Human Resources and Diversity, but also an executive “angel” of the gay and transgender ERG.

There are abundant resources available to corporations globally that will help in their efforts to create a safe and productive work environment. Beyond the corps of gifted diversity trainers that are at hand, many of whom are listed at www.hrc.org, there are at least two national organizations in the U.S. that focus on gay and transgender workplace issues and which provide training and resources, the Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org) and Out and Equal, www.outandequal.org. The latter hosts a national conference that attracts over 2,000 gay and straight employees from across the globe. In the U.K., the organization is Stonewall at www.stonewall.org.uk. Any of these organizations can answer questions about what resources are available in other countries. You can also contact me at brian@brian-mcnaught.com.

Sometime in early 2008, I’m going to be adding an exciting new resource to those already available on these issues. “So, What If…?” Answers for Managers on Gay and Transgender Workplace Issues is an e-book program for corporate internal use that will provide user-friendly guidance to questions such as “What if an employee has religious objections to our efforts?” “What does harassment of gay and transgender people look like?” “What should I say if someone comes out to me?” “What if I’m working in a country that prohibits homosexuality?” “What if my boss is uncomfortable with the issue?” “What’s the proper terminology?” Currently, a small army of directors of diversity, members of corporate ERGs, and other trainers across the globe are reading the contents of the program and preparing their feedback.

I’m proud of the multi-national corporation that has expended resources in search of a tool that measures the workplace environment for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people and has asked for guidance on how to bridge the gap between corporate policies and corporate culture. They are not satisfied with simply passing policies with the hope that the everyday lives of their gay and transgender employees will improve. But I wonder if we really need another study. I think we all know how to make sure that the employee in the branch office feels as safe and valued as the employee in corporate headquarters. It just takes a major commitment to training to make it happen.

During the month of January, I’ll be working in the Pacific Rim conducting training on gay and transgender issues for the employees of a multi-national corporation headquartered in New York. In some places I’ll be working, homosexuality is illegal, so the diversity training has special significance. I’ll be posting periodic reports on my experiences working in these diverse cultures.