Gay and Transgender Issues in the Workplace

     The cab driver who took us to the Singapore National Museum Monday morning had once spent several years with the country’s secret service. He had also been a paratrooper, body guard, and private detective. He was a gracious man but Ray and I got the impression that he didn’t suffer fools gladly.

     When I asked him in the car about local attitudes toward gay issues he said that he knew three gay people, including one who had committed suicide, and that he liked them, but he felt very strongly that the attitudes of the people of Singapore would never change. There would always be negative feelings about homosexuality, which he and his generation often confused with transgenderism. (The friend who committed suicide was a man who wanted to be a woman.)

     But, the group of sixty Chinese, Malay, Indian and ex-patriot Merrill Lynch employees with whom I spoke for two hours later that same day disagreed strongly with his assessment. Younger by many years than he, the majority felt that gay people should come out at work and that nothing bad would happen to them at Merrill if they did, despite the punitive law on the books.

     Made up mostly of information technology (IT) personnel and other support staff, the audience laughed, cried, and clapped with the same sophistication, empathy, and enthusiasm as any group with which I have ever worked anywhere in the world.

     Quite frankly, I was very surprised. Given the impressions I drew from researching Singaporean history and culture before and during my stay, and the warnings I had been given by others, including by local gay Chinese men, prior to my presentation, I expected to experience greater caution, confusion, and no emotional response to my presentation from my audience. I couldn’t have been happier or more pleased with what actually transpired.

     The majority of the participants said they knew someone who was gay but no one knew of anyone at work who was out. They nodded their heads in affirmation when I suggested that between five and ten percent of Merrill’s workforce and of the Republic’s population was gay, and that lack of exposure on the issues of sexual orientation and gender identity was what prompted there to be little comfort with the topics at work and in the family.

     Singapore is an Asian culture, traditionally conservative in its gender role expectations and generally confused about the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Men are expected to be strong, to produce children, to protect their families, and to take care of their parents. If one is thought to be homosexual, the assumption has always been that the male would be weak, effeminate, and not a reliable family guardian — not a bad person, but not a source of confidence and pride in the family.

     Knowing the difference between “accommodation” and “acceptance,” and how good will needs to be strengthened with accurate information, I first built the strong business case for our time together at Merrill and then spent a little more time with this audience than I usually would explaining contemporary beliefs about sexuality, and the proper terminology for discussing sexual orientation and gender identity. I specifically kept checking in to make sure they were clear on the difference between what gender I am sexually attracted to and what gender I see myself as being. The cab driver said he knew that there were men in Singapore who “were manly during the day but ladies at night.” I worked to make sure that he and the audience understood that there were also gay men who were manly during the day and manly at night.

     This training, as I have previously suggested, was very historic for Singapore and exceedingly exciting for Merrill Lynch and for the local gay community. One Chinese senior manager brought her teenage son to my presentation. Twice I noticed her weeping in the back of the room. The Indian head of Wealth Management for the region, who hosted the celebratory dinner afterwards, gushed about its personal impact and asked when I would be available to provide this training to Merrill employees in India. The regional head of diversity talked about the next step being me coming to Tokyo, but she also cautioned me not to expect the same degree of enthusiastic participation from my audience two days later at Merrill because they were going to be an older Asian group from Wealth Management and the trading floor whose attitudes might more resemble that of the former secret service cab driver.

     In my mind, it wouldn’t be the attitudes of the traders about homosexuality that would most challenge me on Wednesday, as I’ve worked with traders in most every firm in nearly all of the world’s financial centers. The trading floor is considered by employees in every firm as the roughest terrain for any minority or sensitive person. Dominated by heterosexual male “individualists,” the trading floor is the one place where other employees expect to hear derogatory jokes and language. But I have found the men and women who work there just as able to understand and embrace the reasoning behind the corporation’s policy on “valuing diversity,” and just as able to laugh with me at the stereotypes we have of gay people. Because of Ray’s long association with Lehman’s trading floor, I have a reservoir of trust with this audience.

     Nor would I be intimidated by the law on the books in Singapore that prohibits sex between men. Many of the U.S. states in which I have conducted training on gay issues had similar laws to 377A prior to the Supreme Court decision in “Lawrence v. Texas” which eliminated sodomy laws. 377A in Singapore covers “behavior,” not sexual orientation or identity, which are the focus of my work. And Penal Code 377A is not enforced. (If it was enforced, it would be with jail time, not beheading which I erroneously wrote earlier as the punishment here for drug trafficking. They hang criminals in Singapore.)

    And it wouldn’t be the cultural make-up of the audience of traders on Wednesday that challenged me. Though Ray and I have found the Singaporeans on the street to be difficult to engage with smiles and eye contact, all of those with whom we have had any direct dealings, from the cab drivers to and from the city’s amazing zoo and botanical gardens, to the vendors in the Chinatown, we have found the people to be very warm, gracious, and good humored. Personal contact is required and I would have that on Wednesday.

     No, the biggest challenge I would face when working with these Singaporean traders and wealth managers was successfully answering the question for these highly-motivated, singularly-focused money-men (and women) who make or break a company’s financial viability, is “Why at a time when financial institutions are announcing confidence-shaking record losses, and volatile financial markets are seeing their worst numbers in decades, are we taking two hours out of the demanding day of nerve-racking decision-making to talk about the comfort level of people who ‘get it on’ in the bedroom with members of their own sex, and of those who feel the need to change their sex?”

    The answer, of course, is that there is no better time to do it. If these traders and wealth managers don’t want to leave any more money on the table, they need to learn how to effectively communicate with a global minority population that has billions of dollars of disposable income, is tired of accommodating insensitive business pitches and behaviors, and is fiercely loyal to those companies which make an effort to respectfully meet their needs, that Merrill Lynch is the company they should use to invest their money. In addition, there is fierce competition among the financial firms to attract and retain the best and brightest talent to help turn the dismal financial numbers around. If that best and brightest talent happens to be, as it so often is, gay, it’s in the traders and the wealth managers’ best interest to create a workplace in which their gay colleagues feel safe and valued. If the best minds need to be put to work to improve this financial situation, the firm better hope that the best minds in the world feel that Merrill Lynch is the best place in which to work. Hearing homophobic jokes and comments on a daily basis in the office doesn’t make it the most appealing place to work.

     The night before I spoke to this group, Ray and I employed the former paratrooping, secret service, private eye, body guard, twice-married father of six, tour directing cab driver to give us a richer understanding of Singapore’s diverse culture. As such, we visited a mosque and the area of town in which the Malays live, we toured a Buddhist temple and dined in China town as it excitedly prepared for the commencement of the Year of the Rat, and we watched as several hundred brightly-dressed Indians processed in the annual Hindu Thaipusam festival during which they carried hand-decorated Kavadi (altars) to transport milk from one temple to another in thanksgiving and in petition of good fortune. The evening ended with a visit to a gay bar (Cafe Romeo) which I felt certain the driver had made a mistake in choosing, as it was filled with highly-flirtatious, beautiful hookers who I was surprised to learn were gay cross dressers and transsexuals from Thailand. It confirmed for me the confusion that Singaporeans have between sexual orientation and gender identity.

     “Don’t you have any bars where the gay men are dressed as men?” I asked. “Oh, yes,” our driver replied, “there is one where people go but you’d never know that they were gay.”

     My 5 p.m. talk the next day at Merrill was attended by the head of the trading floor, 20 people in wealth management, and 60 others in finance, Human Resources, and support services. The vast majority of participants were Chinese. To my delight, they all seemed to immediately understand and support my arguments for not only why this was a business issue well worth their time and attention during this period of global financial upheaval, but also embrace with excitement my counsel on how to build a loyal client base among the wealthy but closeted gay community of Singapore.

     For two hours, I guided them point by point through my training and then, to my complete delight, spent two more unscheduled hours with them answering questions over refreshments on how to help gay family members and colleagues come out. One Chinese woman cried as she spoke in hushed tones, one on one, about her lesbian daughter she wanted to support, and others created a big circle and asked question after question about how best to be seen as an ally.

     The head of the trading floor asked how we might help educate the local government and the head of finance said that next time I came to Singapore he was going to require his whole staff to attend. “It’s the best talk I’ve ever heard,” announced the head of wealth management.

     By the end of the evening, I was exhausted but delighted that my hosts, Roman Matla and Goki Muthusamy, were so excited by and pleased with the success of the two talks I had given in the city, and the two in Australia the week before. We celebrated by having a very late dinner at a Japanese steak house where we recollected the highlights of the trip and planned for the next steps.

     When Ray and I stumbled with fatigue back into our hotel, the concierge alerted us to a box that had been left at the desk. It was a gift to us from our former secret service cab driver — a token of our new friendship. It was for “good luck” he said.

     Ray and I leave Singapore tomorrow morning feeling some sadness that this extraordinary adventure is over, as well as excitement about heading home. We have come to admire and feel very comfortable in Singapore, impressed with its beauty, safety, and good order. The people we have met from every culture and economic level have impressed us with their basic goodness and ability to laugh. Many of them lament the changes they see in the quality of life coming to this rapidly-developing, rich Republic, while at the same time bemoaning the slow pace of evolving social attitudes.

     If invited back to work here, I will come gladly, as it is thrilling and humbling to know that I can have such a positive impact on the lives of people who are starving for affirmation and information as they struggle with their gay lives or those of loved ones. It also delights me to be a player in the major influence on cultural attitudes that is happening through the corporate need to attract and retain talent in every corner of the world.

 

Arriving in Singapore’s extraordinarily modern new airport terminal on elegant and indulgent Singapore Airlines, being met at the gate by a smiling airport employee with a “Brian McNaught” sign and an electric cart, being whisked through customs and getting our bags within five minutes, being greeted at the curb by a hotel driver and cruising down a tree-fern-and-flower-lined boulevard manicured to perfection, and having our room in the Marina Mandarin Hotel overlook the harbor lulled us into a pampered stupor that blocked the reality that we were now in a City State that bans gay male sex. Though the law is generally not enforced (we had no trouble in the hotel securing a king size bed), and though the Prime Minister recently acknowledged that gay people are part of the Singaporean family and should not be marginalized, we remind ourselves that the legislature recently soundly defeated a bill to eliminate the related section 377A of the Penal Code and that we’re no longer protected from discrimination by the laws that govern our recent hosts, New Zealand and Australia.

The reality though is that the culture is far more progressive than the law, young people overwhelmingly support changing the law and neither are women, people of color, or people with disabilities protected against discrimination in employment and housing. Singapore favors no race and no religion, its buildings are graffiti-free, its sidewalks are litter-free, and the shiny new skyline is ever-changing with the construction of beautiful new symbols of the city’s enormous financial success, but anyone can be fired and social behavior is closely monitored and regulated. Good order is prized and group cooperation is valued more than individual success.

For controlling personalities such as Ray’s and mine, the precise attention to detail in the pursuit of perfection in every aspect of life is not only seemingly reasonable but also aesthetically pleasing. It just would be a whole lot easier if we were heterosexual.

There is much to like about Singapore. It is young, rich, beautiful, energetic, orderly, safe, modern, and growing. Everything here is the best, the biggest, and the brightest. But it is also a place that discourages controversy for fear of destabilizing its Stepford tranquility.  Change takes time. But, that’s why I’m here and that’s what makes this trip to work with Merrill Lynch personnel on creating a safe and productive work environment for gay and transgender colleagues so historic and exciting.

Situated just north of the equator, Singapore is an island, the size of Chicago, at the southern tip of Malasia, and south of Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia. Three-fourths of the 4.5 million Singaporeans are Chinese. The rest are Malay and Indian. There are also over one million Western ex-patriots.     

The British naturalist Sir Stamford Raffles is credited with being the founder of Singapore on January 28, 1819. For the next 140 years, the “City of the Lion” was a vital port linking the Indian Ocean and the South China Sea. In a humiliating defeat for the army of Great Britain, the city was surrendered to the Japanese in February of 1942. After it was liberated at the end of World War II, it remained under Malaysian rule until it became an independent city state in 1965.

The father of Singapore is 84-year-old Lee Kuan Yew, the first Prime Minister and the strict, disciplinarian architect who brought civil order, great wealth, and global status to the multi-cultural, religiously-diverse, economically-spent population and land. Through editing film content and running “Courtesy Campaigns,” public canings for writing graffiti and chewing gum, and beheadings for drug trafficking, a society of well-mannered, highly productive, cooperative people was carefully crafted.

Still the behind-the-scenes mentor and guide, Lee has passed the torch of governance to his son, Lee Hsien Loong, who serves as Prime Minister and rules with the support of 82 elected MPs. It was this body which recently pounded their seats in approval of the impassioned speech by their colleague, law professor Thio Li-Ann, who compared anal sex to sticking a straw up your nose, in her tirade against the repeal of 377A, much of which could have been lifted from a Focus on the Family briefing paper.  

Today, 90 per cent of the Singaporean people own their own, if sometimes very small and government-financed, homes. The per capita income is $29,940. The city has a large, prosperous middle-class and is considered one of the most business-friendly countries in the world. Yet, only three per cent of the country’s income results from tourism, there is a brain drain as many young people depart for the freedom of other lands, and the country must carefully manage, under the metaphor of “family,” underlying tensions between the Chinese, Malay, and Indian, and between foreign and eastern values. Women do not have full equality, there are major cultural differences among the population, and there are no openly gay people among the over 1,000 employees who work for Merrill Lynch.

Our friend Ed Teo left Singapore as a young man because he didn’t feel he could be gay here. Ray turned down Lehman’s request that he come to Singapore to head up their local office. Yet, both happened over a decade ago and change is in the air. A gay film is showing in town and will likely be less edited than in the past, Merrill’s regional head of Global Wealth Management is the sponsor of the company’s gay employee network, and 84-year-old Lee Kuan Yew has acknowledged that gay people don’t choose their orientation. My being invited and allowed to speak is seen by the local gay community as a sign of the advances being made.

On our first night in Singapore, Ray and I plunged into the wave of thousands of locals who walk through the underground maze of shop-and-restaurant lined corridors that run for several blocks in all directions in the marina area of town. In doing so, we observed that pedestrian traffic patterns are unpredictable, personal space is nearly non-existent, and no one makes eye contact. We returned to our room with flowers, fruit, incense, and chocolate cookies.

On our first full day here, we changed sweat-drenched clothes after a couple hours of touring what little remains of the colonial buildings. Our first major stop was the extraordinarily beautiful Raffles Hotel, built by Armenian brothers in 1887. We then wandered into the Chinese Sunday service at St. Andrew’s Anglican Cathedral and received communion.

Our hosts for the very memorable three-hour brunch at the Sentosa Hotel on Sentosa Island were my ever-chipper Merrill Lynch sponsor, Roman Matla, his delightful 30-year-old Scottish partner Heather, and his precocious 11-year-old son Alex. Site of the former British army base, Sentosa Island is a luxurious gated-community residential and resort area. The outdoor dining room that overlooked the cargo-ship filled harbor was nearly exclusively-dominated by wealthy white westerners and their children being waited on by Malays and Indians. This was in stark contrast to the underground malls we had earlier navigated that had few white faces.

Singapore mixes western and eastern culture easier than it does western and eastern families. Shop windows are filled with decorative reminders of the upcoming celebrations of both Chinese New Year and Valentines Day, each of which are big events here.

Tomorrow at 5 p.m., all of this complex cultural and religious mix, with its conflicting young and old perspectives that are colored by fear of and hope for change, comes together for me in my first presentation on gay and transgender issues in Singapore. I’ll write as we head back to Florida on Friday and let you know what happens.

It was very important to me to thank my heterosexual host at Blanket Bay lodge in Queenstown, New Zealand, for the pioneering work that as the former President and COO of Levi Strauss he did in advancing the equality of gay people in the workplace. Tom Tusher, now retired and enjoying his active life with his wife Pauline, was very gracious in his response. “It wasn’t just me. It was the whole company. We had a very diverse work force and we knew that it was the right thing to do. “

Also the genius behind “dress down Fridays,” Tom was among the company’s guides in creating “Best Practices” on gay workplace issues back in the mid-1980s when I began training corporate executives. The short list then of visionary companies included The Village Voice, Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, Bellcore, AT&T, Disney, Lotus, Motorola, and Hewlett-Packard, among a handful of others.  

If it hadn’t been for people like Tom Tusher, I wouldn’t today be in Australia (and next week in Singapore) working with the senior managers of Merrill Lynch (giving the first such presentation on gay and transgender workplace issues in Singapore.) And if it hadn’t been for the vision and perseverance of people like Merrill’s local heterosexual Diversity manager, Roman Matla, and other local  Wall Street Human Resource and Diversity specialists, the topic might not have been raised in Singapore, Hong Kong, or Tokyo for another decade.

It’s important that we say “thank you” to all of them, straight and gay alike, who took up the issue of creating a safe and productive work environment for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees before it was popular or comfortable to do so. We mustn’t forget the courage and fortitude of yesterday’s and today’s leaders who have created the opportunity for the rest of us to make such historic progress in our efforts.

I have a long, long list of personal heroes, all of whom were in the trenches with me nearly 25 years ago, and with whom I have regrettably lost contact. The list also includes those visionaries of today who reason that just because a country outlaws homosexual behavior or because it is taboo in a particular culture are not valid reasons not to create a safe and productive environment for their gay colleagues and customers. To all of you, I say a heartfelt “Thank you. You will never fully appreciate how positively you have influenced people’s lives and the global culture.”     

Out and Equal, the national organization in the U. S. which focuses exclusively on gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender workplace issues, accepts nominations each year for recognition of service in this area. While I applaud the intention of the practice, I always lament the singling out of one “winner” over the others. Unlike the recipients of the Academy Awards, these business people aren’t actors who when finished reciting their lines move on to star in other roles. They all deserve “first place” from Out and Equal for taking on the role of champion and for playing their parts in this real drama so well.

Saying “thank you” to each and everyone of them is the very least we should do.

Let’s acknowledge that there are some people who, no matter how safe and supportive the environment, will not share with others at work the details of their heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual lives. When their colleagues are discussing holiday plans, weekend activities or even birthdays and anniversaries, they keep personal information to themselves. They have no pictures of loved ones in their work areas, and they come to corporate social functions alone or don’t come at all. The company respects their right to privacy. Some cultures even encourage such behavior. These coworkers should be allowed to be left alone.

That being said, I think that hiding one’s sexual orientation from others at work, especially when you would prefer to do otherwise, generally has a very negative impact on the productivity and happiness of the individual and of the team. If you suspect that a colleague is gay, chances are good that everyone else does too. As long as the coworker in question remains silent, especially when given the opportunity to speak safely, the secret is associated with shame and is treated by others as such.

An employee who is out of the closet is generally more likely to be content with his or her working conditions, more productive because they are not expending energy and time hiding, and they are more likely to develop into team members and leaders who are personally and professionally respected.

So, should you try to help your colleague come out, especially if their secrecy is impacting their performance? Yes! But how do you do it? Do you just come right out and ask him or her in front of others, “Are you gay?” No! That would not be the best approach. Okay, but if not that strategy, then what?

Do you remember how the young boy Elliot coaxed E.T. out of the garden shed in the popular Steven Spielberg film E.T.? It was with a tempting trail of sweet Reese’s Pieces candy. Gay people, like E.T., need to know that there is an advantage to leaving the closet and that they are completely safe in doing so.

Everyday behaviors in the corporation that are counterparts to Reese’s Pieces include using the words “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,” and “transgender,” respectfully, talking positively about gay issues during office discussions, sponsoring diversity training on gay issues, using inclusive language (“Do you have a partner?” vs. “Are you married?”), quickly and effectively challenging anti-gay comments and behaviors, and being seen in the company of openly gay colleagues, both socially and in the cafeteria.

But what if you have done all of that and E.T. still won’t leave the garden shed?

Be patient. It takes time to build trust. But, if you have truly depleted your supply of Reese’s Pieces, and you feel strongly that being in the closet is impacting not only the gay person’s performance but the cohesiveness of the entire team, I feel that it is not only appropriate but professionally necessary for you to gently knock on the door of the shed and respectfully ask permission to come in.

Motivated solely by the desire to help coach your colleague effectively so that he or she is able to produce at their highest level and bring all of their unique gifts to the table, you should begin by consulting with your Diversity specialists or Human Resources professionals. Let them know of your problem and of your plan. Ask their guidance on how best to approach the employee within the parameters of corporate policy. Next, arrange to meet with your closeted colleague in a setting that feels completely safe. Put yourself in his or her position. What will be most private and least conspicuous? It may be an office with the door closed or in a nearby restaurant or coffee shop.

It’s very important that you choose your own words to discuss the issue, but it will help a lot if your “music,” or your body language, constantly communicates safety and support. This means: Make eye contact, smile, don’t cross your arms; imagine yourself discussing something warm and wonderful with a beloved family member as opposed to something dreary and painful with a stranger. See yourself as an ally who is not prying but rather mentoring.

If I was in such a situation as a manager, I might begin by saying, “Thank you for meeting with me. I think you know how glad I am to have you as a member of our team at work. You are bright and talented and bring a great deal to the table.”

After allowing for them to acknowledge the affirmation, I might continue, “In my capacity as your manager, I see it as my job to maximize the effectiveness of each member of the team. As such, I’ve come to believe that there is something holding you back from emerging as the leader I see you having the potential to be. It feels to me as if you might be holding back in your interactions with the team and with me. I’m not displeased with the quality of your work but I am concerned about your ability to feel safe and valued in the office.”

The entire time I was speaking, I would watch the face and body language of my colleague to see if he or she was feeling confused or upset by my comments. I’d stop at any time it looked as if they wanted to talk or ask a question. I’d need to be prepared to give examples of how they are holding back in their interactions at work.

“I sense that you are a very private person and I have no desire to infringe upon your privacy, but I was wondering if you feel you are as happy at work as you want to be, and whether you feel as free to be yourself at work as you’d like?”

This may not work. I’ve checked this approach out with a dozen gay people I know in the corporate world and their universal response is that it would effectively create an opportunity for them to come out, if they felt able. But that’s their opinion and mine, and we’re speaking as openly gay people. Trust your instincts. Do what works for you. But do something. Remember, avoidance is not a good business strategy personally or professionally.

Despite your best efforts, the gay colleague may still be too terrified of coming out for reasons you’ll never know, such as their life partner is an untenured teacher at a local school where there are no legal protections, or their father also works in the company and has forbidden them from coming out. Nevertheless, you didn’t fail. Trust that you have had a very effective and meaningful discussion. If they still need to cling to the safety of the shed, and they say “No, there’s nothing wrong at work. I feel just fine,” then smile and say without a look of disappointment, “Okay, good, I’m just checking in with you as I do periodically with others. You know that I’m here for you should you need me.”

But, don’t be surprised if three weeks later, the colleague in question approaches you and asks, “Can we talk?”

(I welcome comments and questions. Please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)