How Do you Help a Closeted Gay Person Come Out?
Let’s acknowledge that there are some people who, no matter how safe and supportive the environment, will not share with others at work the details of their heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual lives. When their colleagues are discussing holiday plans, weekend activities or even birthdays and anniversaries, they keep personal information to themselves. They have no pictures of loved ones in their work areas, and they come to corporate social functions alone or don’t come at all. The company respects their right to privacy. Some cultures even encourage such behavior. These coworkers should be allowed to be left alone.
That being said, I think that hiding one’s sexual orientation from others at work, especially when you would prefer to do otherwise, generally has a very negative impact on the productivity and happiness of the individual and of the team. If you suspect that a colleague is gay, chances are good that everyone else does too. As long as the coworker in question remains silent, especially when given the opportunity to speak safely, the secret is associated with shame and is treated by others as such.
An employee who is out of the closet is generally more likely to be content with his or her working conditions, more productive because they are not expending energy and time hiding, and they are more likely to develop into team members and leaders who are personally and professionally respected.
So, should you try to help your colleague come out, especially if their secrecy is impacting their performance? Yes! But how do you do it? Do you just come right out and ask him or her in front of others, “Are you gay?” No! That would not be the best approach. Okay, but if not that strategy, then what?
Do you remember how the young boy Elliot coaxed E.T. out of the garden shed in the popular Steven Spielberg film E.T.? It was with a tempting trail of sweet Reese’s Pieces candy. Gay people, like E.T., need to know that there is an advantage to leaving the closet and that they are completely safe in doing so.
Everyday behaviors in the corporation that are counterparts to Reese’s Pieces include using the words “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,” and “transgender,” respectfully, talking positively about gay issues during office discussions, sponsoring diversity training on gay issues, using inclusive language (“Do you have a partner?” vs. “Are you married?”), quickly and effectively challenging anti-gay comments and behaviors, and being seen in the company of openly gay colleagues, both socially and in the cafeteria.
But what if you have done all of that and E.T. still won’t leave the garden shed?
Be patient. It takes time to build trust. But, if you have truly depleted your supply of Reese’s Pieces, and you feel strongly that being in the closet is impacting not only the gay person’s performance but the cohesiveness of the entire team, I feel that it is not only appropriate but professionally necessary for you to gently knock on the door of the shed and respectfully ask permission to come in.
Motivated solely by the desire to help coach your colleague effectively so that he or she is able to produce at their highest level and bring all of their unique gifts to the table, you should begin by consulting with your Diversity specialists or Human Resources professionals. Let them know of your problem and of your plan. Ask their guidance on how best to approach the employee within the parameters of corporate policy. Next, arrange to meet with your closeted colleague in a setting that feels completely safe. Put yourself in his or her position. What will be most private and least conspicuous? It may be an office with the door closed or in a nearby restaurant or coffee shop.
It’s very important that you choose your own words to discuss the issue, but it will help a lot if your “music,” or your body language, constantly communicates safety and support. This means: Make eye contact, smile, don’t cross your arms; imagine yourself discussing something warm and wonderful with a beloved family member as opposed to something dreary and painful with a stranger. See yourself as an ally who is not prying but rather mentoring.
If I was in such a situation as a manager, I might begin by saying, “Thank you for meeting with me. I think you know how glad I am to have you as a member of our team at work. You are bright and talented and bring a great deal to the table.”
After allowing for them to acknowledge the affirmation, I might continue, “In my capacity as your manager, I see it as my job to maximize the effectiveness of each member of the team. As such, I’ve come to believe that there is something holding you back from emerging as the leader I see you having the potential to be. It feels to me as if you might be holding back in your interactions with the team and with me. I’m not displeased with the quality of your work but I am concerned about your ability to feel safe and valued in the office.”
The entire time I was speaking, I would watch the face and body language of my colleague to see if he or she was feeling confused or upset by my comments. I’d stop at any time it looked as if they wanted to talk or ask a question. I’d need to be prepared to give examples of how they are holding back in their interactions at work.
“I sense that you are a very private person and I have no desire to infringe upon your privacy, but I was wondering if you feel you are as happy at work as you want to be, and whether you feel as free to be yourself at work as you’d like?”
This may not work. I’ve checked this approach out with a dozen gay people I know in the corporate world and their universal response is that it would effectively create an opportunity for them to come out, if they felt able. But that’s their opinion and mine, and we’re speaking as openly gay people. Trust your instincts. Do what works for you. But do something. Remember, avoidance is not a good business strategy personally or professionally.
Despite your best efforts, the gay colleague may still be too terrified of coming out for reasons you’ll never know, such as their life partner is an untenured teacher at a local school where there are no legal protections, or their father also works in the company and has forbidden them from coming out. Nevertheless, you didn’t fail. Trust that you have had a very effective and meaningful discussion. If they still need to cling to the safety of the shed, and they say “No, there’s nothing wrong at work. I feel just fine,” then smile and say without a look of disappointment, “Okay, good, I’m just checking in with you as I do periodically with others. You know that I’m here for you should you need me.”
But, don’t be surprised if three weeks later, the colleague in question approaches you and asks, “Can we talk?”
(I welcome comments and questions. Please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)
