the office of Human Resources is of no help to me?

Do NOT assume that because a person works in Human Resources (HR) or in Diversity that he or she is knowledgeable or skilled on all issues of diversity. Do NOT assume that every person in HR or in Diversity is even sensitive or sympathetic to every issue. As in every department, HR and Diversity employees reflect their education, religious beliefs, culture, family dynamics, and their exposure to people different from themselves.

Do NOT assume that an initial lack of support or interest means that you don’t have a potential ally. Most people in HR have their heart in the right place. They want to create a workplace that feels safe and productive for everyone.

DO tell the director of HR of your needs and of your experience of a lack of support on the issue. Ask him or her for their opinion on the attitudes in the department and suggest diversity training on gay and transgender issues for the entire staff. Recommend that they contact the Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org) in the United States, Stonewall (www.stonewall.org.uk) in the United Kingdom, or other human resource professionals in other parts of your company or in other companies. They can also contact me at brian@brian-mcnaught.com.

DO take action if you do not get a satisfactory response from your Office of Human Resources. Speak to your manager and to the company’s global director of HR. If necessary, contact a member of the Executive Steering Committee. The lack of sophistication and support on these issues in the Human Resources department will have a negative impact on the company’s ability to attract and retain the best and brightest employees, its productivity, and its marketability to all consumers.

I manage gay or transgender people in a country with hostile cultural attitudes on the issues?

Do NOT focus on changing the local culture. Focus instead on making sure that within the office, the atmosphere feels safe to the gay or transgender employees, and that they trust you understand the challenges they face outside of the office walls.

Do NOT allow the hostility of the local culture to intimidate you. While you may be a guest in their country or a native, you are also a representative of your corporation in that country. Your job is to guarantee that the corporation’s values are clearly expressed and realized in all business dealings.

Do NOT tolerate hostile comments from clients regarding gay or transgender issues. All persons connected with your company need to see you as a strong, clear voice of support.

DO understand that the hostility of the local culture toward gay, lesbian, and bisexual people is to homosexual behavior, not homosexual orientation or identity. Your company takes no position on homosexual behavior, anymore than it does on divorce, inter-racial marriage, the one “true” religion, worship practices, or the role of women in local marriages. It does, though, protect from discrimination persons because of their status (orientation and/or identity) as gay, transgender, divorced, inter-racially married, Muslim, Christian, or female. There is no conflict between local legal or social practices and the company’s policy of valuing diversity.

DO provide diversity training and educational resources on gay and transgender issues to your staff. Disseminate all statements of support from corporate headquarters.

DO help create a local chapter of the company’s gay and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG) even if all of its local members identify as heterosexual. Sponsor events on the topic and network with the gay and transgender ERGs of other corporations in the area.

DO remember that your success in creating a safe and welcoming environment in which gay and transgender employees feel valued should not be measured by how many gay or transgender people come out. Given the hostility of the local culture, it is not likely that many gay or transgender people from that culture will feel comfortable identifying themselves. Coming out is more likely to happen with gay and transgender employees from supportive cultures who happen to be working in your office. Nevertheless, always assume that there is a gay or transgender person in your office, whether or not they self-identify.

DO consider sending your gay or transgender staff members and heterosexual Diversity and Human Resource professionals to the annual workplace conference of Out and Equal (www.outandequal.org) that is held in the United States. It provides education and the opportunity for networking to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and heterosexual employees from around the world. Similar conferences are held in different countries. Ask your local gay and transgender ERG leadership for guidance in finding such resources.

I’m gay, lesbian, or bisexual?

Do NOT hide the fact that you’re gay, lesbian, or bisexual unless you feel you have no options. Incorporate your personal life into your life in the office in the same way you would if you were heterosexual.

Do NOT feel that being gay, lesbian, or bisexual requires you to be the “answer person” on gay issues in the workplace. You were hired because of your skills, not because you’re gay. Explain that being gay doesn’t make you an authority on gay workplace issues and request diversity training for your team from your Human Resources professional or Diversity specialist.

Do NOT accommodate inappropriate behavior in the office because you want to be accepted by the team.

DO see your sexual orientation as a gift to the company. Explore what unique contributions you have to make because of your experiences as a gay man, lesbian woman, or bisexual person. If the company is serious about valuing diversity, it feels that your diversity represents a unique value. What is it?

DO consider joining the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG).

DO be aware that the messenger is the message. Like it or not, people who don’t know other gay, lesbian, or bisexual people are watching you to decide how comfortable they feel with homosexuals and bisexuals.

I’m transgender?

Do NOT accommodate inappropriate behaviors because you want to be accepted. You were hired for your skills and performance, not your gender identity or expression.

Do NOT feel that you have to be the “transgender answer person.” Arrange for your colleagues to participate in diversity training on transgender issues.

DO see your transgender status as a gift to the company. Beyond your ability to help the company market their product to the transgender community, your diversity represents a unique life perspective that the company says it values. Think about what gifts you bring to the table.

DO consider joining the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG).

DO be aware that the messenger is the message. Most people do not know someone who is transgender. The transgender movement is at least ten years behind the gay, lesbian, and bisexual movement in some countries, and even less understood in other parts of the world. Like it or not, you represent all transsexuals or cross-dressers to your colleagues.

the company isn’t a safe place for gay and transgender employees?

Do NOT let it stay unsafe for your sake, for that of your gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees, and for that of the company’s productivity and reputation. Do something about it.

Do NOT assume that you are the only one who has noticed its unwelcoming atmosphere. You have allies.

DO speak to your Diversity or Human Resources professional about your concerns and ask for diversity training in your department.

DO speak up as often as you can in as many work-related situations as possible to communicate your interest in creating a safe and productive work environment. It sometimes takes just one strong-willed heterosexual ally to turn a company around.

DO share your feelings privately with gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender employees and offer to be a source of support to them in both public and private ways.

DO avoid using the term “hostile” to describe the workplace, as it carries legal implications, unless of course you feel the environment is “hostile” and you are willing to say so in legal proceedings.

we need training and someone refuses to participate?

Do NOT underestimate the enormous emotional, psychological, spiritual, and political significance of this issue for everyone in the office. Handle with care.

Do NOT communicate a lack of awareness or sensitivity to the feelings of everyone on your staff, but do not coddle behaviors that undermine the values of the corporation.

Do NOT accommodate a threat to office cohesion in the name of personal moral values. If you allow an employee to absent him or herself from diversity training on gay and transgender issues without ramifications, you communicate that the company’s values are negotiable and you set a precedent for the behavior of the staff on all other company initiatives.

Do NOT be afraid to confront bias on gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender issues that are couched in religious views anymore than you would avoid confronting racism or sexism that is couched in statements about “freedom of religion.” The company respects the diversity of religious views but does not embrace any one religion’s doctrines. The company seeks to create an environment in which people of varying religious views can work comfortably together as a team. Consider providing training on the diversity of religious views.

DO ask for help from your Diversity and Human Resources professional. Ask them for the company’s policy on mandatory attendance.

DO be consistent. If you have not mandated training on sexual harassment, do not mandate attendance at diversity training on gay issues. If you have mandated training on sexual harassment or other issues of diversity, do not make training on gay and transgender issues optional.

DO communicate your unequivocal commitment to valuing diversity and to creating a workplace in which all employees feel safe and valued.

DO talk one-on-one with the employee who refuses to attend the training to see if you can eliminate any preconceived notions they have of the training. Provide them literature about the trainer and the program. Provide them feedback to the training from others who have heard the presentation. Ask them to come and sit with you for the first hour. Assure them that their religious values will not be assaulted.

DO explain that the entire office is attending the training as a team and that if they chose to absent themselves from the activity it reflects their lack of interest in the team. Such behavior makes them less attractive for positions of leadership.

DO explain that the training will outline which behaviors at work are considered supportive and welcoming of gay and transgender colleagues and which behaviors are considered unwelcoming and forbidden by corporate policy. Make clear that if the employee chooses to absent him or herself from the training and then inadvertently engages in behaviors that are considered hostile, that he or she cannot use ignorance or lack of awareness of the policy as an excuse and that action will be taken.

legal action is threatened?

Do NOT say anything more about the issue to the person threatening legal action. Immediately refer the matter to the Legal department and to the Human Resources office. Inform the person in question that you are unable, for legal reasons, to discuss the issue further.

Do NOT change your behavior toward the person threatening legal action. Keep the issue separate. Focus on the corporate ideals of teamwork that value diversity.

DO make clear to your colleagues your intention to maintain office cohesiveness. Discourage any discussion of the issue, explaining that it has been referred to corporate legal counsel.

I don’t have any gay or transgender people in my group or client base?

Do NOT make such assumptions. Even if you’re correct, which is unlikely, always assume that you do have gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people present so that your language and behavior creates a welcoming environment.

Do NOT expect that a fully-integrated transsexual will feel it necessary or useful to discuss his or her status as a transsexual. If they are seen by others as the gender with which they identify, they are generally ready to move on with their lives. They are likely not to see themselves as “transsexual,” but rather as a woman or as a man, as the case may be.

Do NOT assume that you can identify gay people. Most gay, lesbian, and bisexual people do not satisfy cultural stereotypes, and sometimes heterosexual people satisfy those gay stereotypes.

Do NOT assume that everyone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual wants to come out. Some gay people, like some heterosexual people, are very private about their personal lives not out of fear bur rather out of personal preference.

Do NOT assume that no one in the office has a personal connection to someone who is gay or transgender, or that they would tell you about it if they didn’t think you were fully supportive.

Do NOT assume that none of your clients are gay or transgender, or have personal connections to people who are one or the other.

DO proceed as if you do have someone in your office or your client base who is gay or transgender, or who has a personal connection to a gay or transgender person, and remind your colleagues what behaviors are considered welcoming and which are considered unwelcoming.

the gay or transgender person’s job performance is the problem?

Do NOT be intimidated by the person’s minority status. If their job performance is unsatisfactory, respond as you would with anyone else. If you don’t, you’ll create resentment among the rest of the staff who will feel victimized by you and the gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person. That is not good for morale or productivity. The goal in all of the company’s diversity initiatives is equal treatment, not special treatment.

Do NOT forget that you are the person’s coach. As you would with anyone else, set aside the issues of sexual orientation, gender, race, age, religion, disability, or any other factor, treat them as adults who are expected to act responsibly, and work with them to solve the problem.

DO speak first to your Diversity and Human Resources professional to let them know what’s going on, and ask for their input on how to handle the situation.

DO speak to the individual in private, clearly state what you see as the problem, ask him or her for their perspective, tell them what you expect of them, and set up a time to meet again to evaluate their progress.

DO ask if they find the office environment to be welcoming and if they trust that you value the diversity they bring to the table.

the transgender persons wants to use the “wrong” restroom?

Do NOT do a thing until you’ve checked with your Diversity or Human Resources specialist to ascertain the company’s policy. If the company doesn’t have a restroom policy, insist that the Human Resources specialist contact a company known for its “best practices” on issues of diversity to find a restroom policy that works well for everyone. (The “best practice” in many global companies is to have the transgender person use the restroom that matches his or her current gender expression.)

Do NOT assume that you, the transgender person, and the company agree on the appropriateness of the word “wrong.”

Do NOT assume that this issue is a small, insignificant matter. The use of the sex-appropriate restroom has enormous emotional and political meaning to the transgender person, most particularly those who are transitioning as transsexuals.

Do NOT assume that this issue has no significance to others. Some women feel unsafe if there is a biological male in their restroom. This is more likely to be a concern if we’re talking about a transgender person who cross-dresses at work on occasion. It’s a different matter, for some, if the person is transsexual.

Do NOT ask a person if he or she has had surgery. That is a personal matter. The transgender person may or may not choose to share that information. But it is not helpful to make decisions about appropriate restroom use based upon those criteria, as many transsexuals opt not to have surgery for a variety of reasons, the high cost of the operations being one of them.

Do NOT ask a transgender person to use a restroom that is not conveniently located.

DO find a solution to the restroom issue that is safe, dignified, and convenient.

DO communicate to the transgender person and to your non-transgender colleagues that you understand this issue can be emotionally-charged.

DO communicate with the employee that is uncomfortable in the same restroom as a transgender person that they are being heard. Consider saying, “I understand your feelings and I want to make sure that you are comfortable using our restrooms. Like most of our competitors, our policy is that the transgender person will use the restroom that is appropriate to the gender he or she is presenting. I hope that we can work together as a team on this so that everyone in our group feels valued. Can I ask you, as a first step, to either use another restroom that is conveniently located or to try to use the restroom when your colleague who is transgender is not using it? If you continue to feel uncomfortable, we can revisit it. In the meantime, I think it would be helpful for all of us if we had some diversity training on this issue. I know that I would find it helpful.”

DO ask for help from your Diversity or Human Resources professional to explain company policy on restroom use to your staff.

DO provide diversity training on transgender issues to your staff before this issue comes up.

DO periodically check in with the transgender employee and with one or two staff members to see how the situation is going.

DO make sure that this issue doesn’t negatively impact the productivity of the office or undermine the company’s commitment to value diversity.

a gay or transgender employee wants to be out and I don’t think that it’s safe?

Do NOT assume that what would feel unsafe for you would necessarily feel unsafe for your colleague. Tell him or her of your concern and your reasons for judging the environment to be unsafe. Ask for their assessment of the environment.

Do NOT make it more difficult for them to come out by suggesting that if they do so, “You’re on your own.” Instead, tell him or her that whatever they decide to do, you will back them up.

Do NOT assume that they want you to tell other people for them. Ask them if there is anything you can do to make it easier, including telling others for them.

Do NOT say “I told you so,” if things work out poorly for the colleague who is coming out. They are being harassed because of their status, not as a result of anything they are doing wrong. It is not their fault if others respond unprofessionally and in violation of corporate policies and ideals.

DO proactively address the conditions which prompt you to feel that it is not safe for this employee, or any employee, to be out at work.

DO ask for guidance from your Human Resources professional and Diversity specialist. Tell them of your concerns. See if they share your views. Come up with a strategy that supports the decision of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender colleague and promote an inclusive climate for all employees.

DO your best to create a safer environment by communicating clearly the company’s expectations of every employee to value diversity. Be clear of what that means in day-to-day behaviors. Tell them that such support of their gay or transgender colleague is expected inside and outside of the office, when on company business, and always with clients.

DO put the gay or transgender colleague in touch with the gay and transgender Employee Resource Group (ERG) for support. Encourage him or her to contact the Human Resources or your Diversity specialist for information on sources of support outside of the company.

DO provide diversity training on gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender issues for your staff.

a gay or transgender employee tells a gay or transgender joke or uses prohibited language?

Do NOT encourage the behavior by laughing at the joke or indicating that the language is acceptable. Treat the situation exactly as you would if the joke or offensive language was coming from the mouth of a heterosexual or a non-transgender person.

Do NOT accept that the gay or transgender person telling the joke or using objectionable language, such as “fag,” “dyke,” “queer,” “homo,” “queen,” or “tranny” has license to make fun of him or herself. Their language undermines office cohesion, confuses heterosexual colleagues, and offends other gay and transgender people and those who love them. Their behavior does not represent the feelings of the company’s gay and transgender Employee Resource Group, even if it is coming from a member or officer of the ERG. Some gay and transgender people are immature and unsophisticated. Some suffer from internalized homophobia or transphobia. Being gay or transgender does not give them permission to defy the company’s efforts to value diversity.

DO speak up in such situations to express your discomfort and disappointment. Take the lead in showing others that this behavior or language is not acceptable.

DO pull the gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person aside and tell him or her what about their behavior is unacceptable and why: “It gives license to others to behave the same way and it creates a hostile working environment for others.”

DO report the incident to your Human Resources or Diversity specialist. Make sure that you have their support so that you don’t hear from them later that the gay or transgender person felt discriminated against or “put down.”

     The cab driver who took us to the Singapore National Museum Monday morning had once spent several years with the country's secret service. He had also been a paratrooper, body guard, and private detective. He was a gracious man but Ray and I got the impression that he didn't suffer fools gladly.

     When I asked him in the car about local attitudes toward gay issues he said that he knew three gay people, including one who had committed suicide, and that he liked them, but he felt very strongly that the attitudes of the people of Singapore would never change. There would always be negative feelings about homosexuality, which he and his generation often confused with transgenderism. (The friend who committed suicide was a man who wanted to be a woman.)

     But, the group of sixty Chinese, Malay, Indian and ex-patriot Merrill Lynch employees with whom I spoke for two hours later that same day disagreed strongly with his assessment. Younger by many years than he, the majority felt that gay people should come out at work and that nothing bad would happen to them at Merrill if they did, despite the punitive law on the books.

     Made up mostly of information technology (IT) personnel and other support staff, the audience laughed, cried, and clapped with the same sophistication, empathy, and enthusiasm as any group with which I have ever worked anywhere in the world.

     Quite frankly, I was very surprised. Given the impressions I drew from researching Singaporean history and culture before and during my stay, and the warnings I had been given by others, including by local gay Chinese men, prior to my presentation, I expected to experience greater caution, confusion, and no emotional response to my presentation from my audience. I couldn't have been happier or more pleased with what actually transpired.

     The majority of the participants said they knew someone who was gay but no one knew of anyone at work who was out. They nodded their heads in affirmation when I suggested that between five and ten percent of Merrill's workforce and of the Republic's population was gay, and that lack of exposure on the issues of sexual orientation and gender identity was what prompted there to be little comfort with the topics at work and in the family.

     Singapore is an Asian culture, traditionally conservative in its gender role expectations and generally confused about the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Men are expected to be strong, to produce children, to protect their families, and to take care of their parents. If one is thought to be homosexual, the assumption has always been that the male would be weak, effeminate, and not a reliable family guardian -- not a bad person, but not a source of confidence and pride in the family.

     Knowing the difference between "accommodation" and "acceptance," and how good will needs to be strengthened with accurate information, I first built the strong business case for our time together at Merrill and then spent a little more time with this audience than I usually would explaining contemporary beliefs about sexuality, and the proper terminology for discussing sexual orientation and gender identity. I specifically kept checking in to make sure they were clear on the difference between what gender I am sexually attracted to and what gender I see myself as being. The cab driver said he knew that there were men in Singapore who "were manly during the day but ladies at night." I worked to make sure that he and the audience understood that there were also gay men who were manly during the day and manly at night.

     This training, as I have previously suggested, was very historic for Singapore and exceedingly exciting for Merrill Lynch and for the local gay community. One Chinese senior manager brought her teenage son to my presentation. Twice I noticed her weeping in the back of the room. The Indian head of Wealth Management for the region, who hosted the celebratory dinner afterwards, gushed about its personal impact and asked when I would be available to provide this training to Merrill employees in India. The regional head of diversity talked about the next step being me coming to Tokyo, but she also cautioned me not to expect the same degree of enthusiastic participation from my audience two days later at Merrill because they were going to be an older Asian group from Wealth Management and the trading floor whose attitudes might more resemble that of the former secret service cab driver.

     In my mind, it wouldn't be the attitudes of the traders about homosexuality that would most challenge me on Wednesday, as I've worked with traders in most every firm in nearly all of the world's financial centers. The trading floor is considered by employees in every firm as the roughest terrain for any minority or sensitive person. Dominated by heterosexual male "individualists," the trading floor is the one place where other employees expect to hear derogatory jokes and language. But I have found the men and women who work there just as able to understand and embrace the reasoning behind the corporation's policy on "valuing diversity," and just as able to laugh with me at the stereotypes we have of gay people. Because of Ray's long association with Lehman's trading floor, I have a reservoir of trust with this audience.

     Nor would I be intimidated by the law on the books in Singapore that prohibits sex between men. Many of the U.S. states in which I have conducted training on gay issues had similar laws to 377A prior to the Supreme Court decision in "Lawrence v. Texas" which eliminated sodomy laws. 377A in Singapore covers "behavior," not sexual orientation or identity, which are the focus of my work. And Penal Code 377A is not enforced. (If it was enforced, it would be with jail time, not beheading which I erroneously wrote earlier as the punishment here for drug trafficking. They hang criminals in Singapore.)

    And it wouldn't be the cultural make-up of the audience of traders on Wednesday that challenged me. Though Ray and I have found the Singaporeans on the street to be difficult to engage with smiles and eye contact, all of those with whom we have had any direct dealings, from the cab drivers to and from the city's amazing zoo and botanical gardens, to the vendors in the Chinatown, we have found the people to be very warm, gracious, and good humored. Personal contact is required and I would have that on Wednesday.

     No, the biggest challenge I would face when working with these Singaporean traders and wealth managers was successfully answering the question for these highly-motivated, singularly-focused money-men (and women) who make or break a company's financial viability, is "Why at a time when financial institutions are announcing confidence-shaking record losses, and volatile financial markets are seeing their worst numbers in decades, are we taking two hours out of the demanding day of nerve-racking decision-making to talk about the comfort level of people who 'get it on' in the bedroom with members of their own sex, and of those who feel the need to change their sex?"

    The answer, of course, is that there is no better time to do it. If these traders and wealth managers don't want to leave any more money on the table, they need to learn how to effectively communicate with a global minority population that has billions of dollars of disposable income, is tired of accommodating insensitive business pitches and behaviors, and is fiercely loyal to those companies which make an effort to respectfully meet their needs, that Merrill Lynch is the company they should use to invest their money. In addition, there is fierce competition among the financial firms to attract and retain the best and brightest talent to help turn the dismal financial numbers around. If that best and brightest talent happens to be, as it so often is, gay, it's in the traders and the wealth managers’ best interest to create a workplace in which their gay colleagues feel safe and valued. If the best minds need to be put to work to improve this financial situation, the firm better hope that the best minds in the world feel that Merrill Lynch is the best place in which to work. Hearing homophobic jokes and comments on a daily basis in the office doesn't make it the most appealing place to work.

     The night before I spoke to this group, Ray and I employed the former paratrooping, secret service, private eye, body guard, twice-married father of six, tour directing cab driver to give us a richer understanding of Singapore's diverse culture. As such, we visited a mosque and the area of town in which the Malays live, we toured a Buddhist temple and dined in China town as it excitedly prepared for the commencement of the Year of the Rat, and we watched as several hundred brightly-dressed Indians processed in the annual Hindu Thaipusam festival during which they carried hand-decorated Kavadi (altars) to transport milk from one temple to another in thanksgiving and in petition of good fortune. The evening ended with a visit to a gay bar (Cafe Romeo) which I felt certain the driver had made a mistake in choosing, as it was filled with highly-flirtatious, beautiful hookers who I was surprised to learn were gay cross dressers and transsexuals from Thailand. It confirmed for me the confusion that Singaporeans have between sexual orientation and gender identity.

     "Don't you have any bars where the gay men are dressed as men?" I asked. "Oh, yes," our driver replied, "there is one where people go but you'd never know that they were gay."

     My 5 p.m. talk the next day at Merrill was attended by the head of the trading floor, 20 people in wealth management, and 60 others in finance, Human Resources, and support services. The vast majority of participants were Chinese. To my delight, they all seemed to immediately understand and support my arguments for not only why this was a business issue well worth their time and attention during this period of global financial upheaval, but also embrace with excitement my counsel on how to build a loyal client base among the wealthy but closeted gay community of Singapore.

     For two hours, I guided them point by point through my training and then, to my complete delight, spent two more unscheduled hours with them answering questions over refreshments on how to help gay family members and colleagues come out. One Chinese woman cried as she spoke in hushed tones, one on one, about her lesbian daughter she wanted to support, and others created a big circle and asked question after question about how best to be seen as an ally.

     The head of the trading floor asked how we might help educate the local government and the head of finance said that next time I came to Singapore he was going to require his whole staff to attend. "It's the best talk I've ever heard," announced the head of wealth management.

     By the end of the evening, I was exhausted but delighted that my hosts, Roman Matla and Goki Muthusamy, were so excited by and pleased with the success of the two talks I had given in the city, and the two in Australia the week before. We celebrated by having a very late dinner at a Japanese steak house where we recollected the highlights of the trip and planned for the next steps.

     When Ray and I stumbled with fatigue back into our hotel, the concierge alerted us to a box that had been left at the desk. It was a gift to us from our former secret service cab driver -- a token of our new friendship. It was for "good luck" he said.

     Ray and I leave Singapore tomorrow morning feeling some sadness that this extraordinary adventure is over, as well as excitement about heading home. We have come to admire and feel very comfortable in Singapore, impressed with its beauty, safety, and good order. The people we have met from every culture and economic level have impressed us with their basic goodness and ability to laugh. Many of them lament the changes they see in the quality of life coming to this rapidly-developing, rich Republic, while at the same time bemoaning the slow pace of evolving social attitudes.

     If invited back to work here, I will come gladly, as it is thrilling and humbling to know that I can have such a positive impact on the lives of people who are starving for affirmation and information as they struggle with their gay lives or those of loved ones. It also delights me to be a player in the major influence on cultural attitudes that is happening through the corporate need to attract and retain talent in every corner of the world.

Let’s acknowledge that there are some people who, no matter how safe and supportive the environment, will not share with others at work the details of their heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual lives. When their colleagues are discussing holiday plans, weekend activities or even birthdays and anniversaries, they keep personal information to themselves. They have no pictures of loved ones in their work areas, and they come to corporate social functions alone or don’t come at all. The company respects their right to privacy. Some cultures even encourage such behavior. These coworkers should be allowed to be left alone.

That being said, I think that hiding one’s sexual orientation from others at work, especially when you would prefer to do otherwise, generally has a very negative impact on the productivity and happiness of the individual and of the team. If you suspect that a colleague is gay, chances are good that everyone else does too. As long as the coworker in question remains silent, especially when given the opportunity to speak safely, the secret is associated with shame and is treated by others as such.

An employee who is out of the closet is generally more likely to be content with his or her working conditions, more productive because they are not expending energy and time hiding, and they are more likely to develop into team members and leaders who are personally and professionally respected.

So, should you try to help your colleague come out, especially if their secrecy is impacting their performance? Yes! But how do you do it? Do you just come right out and ask him or her in front of others, “Are you gay?” No! That would not be the best approach. Okay, but if not that strategy, then what?

Do you remember how the young boy Elliot coaxed E.T. out of the garden shed in the popular Steven Spielberg film E.T.? It was with a tempting trail of sweet Reese’s Pieces candy. Gay people, like E.T., need to know that there is an advantage to leaving the closet and that they are completely safe in doing so.

Everyday behaviors in the corporation that are counterparts to Reese’s Pieces include using the words “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,” and “transgender,” respectfully, talking positively about gay issues during office discussions, sponsoring diversity training on gay issues, using inclusive language (“Do you have a partner?” vs. “Are you married?”), quickly and effectively challenging anti-gay comments and behaviors, and being seen in the company of openly gay colleagues, both socially and in the cafeteria.

But what if you have done all of that and E.T. still won’t leave the garden shed?

Be patient. It takes time to build trust. But, if you have truly depleted your supply of Reese’s Pieces, and you feel strongly that being in the closet is impacting not only the gay person’s performance but the cohesiveness of the entire team, I feel that it is not only appropriate but professionally necessary for you to gently knock on the door of the shed and respectfully ask permission to come in.

Motivated solely by the desire to help coach your colleague effectively so that he or she is able to produce at their highest level and bring all of their unique gifts to the table, you should begin by consulting with your Diversity specialists or Human Resources professionals. Let them know of your problem and of your plan. Ask their guidance on how best to approach the employee within the parameters of corporate policy. Next, arrange to meet with your closeted colleague in a setting that feels completely safe. Put yourself in his or her position. What will be most private and least conspicuous? It may be an office with the door closed or in a nearby restaurant or coffee shop.

It’s very important that you choose your own words to discuss the issue, but it will help a lot if your “music,” or your body language, constantly communicates safety and support. This means: Make eye contact, smile, don’t cross your arms; imagine yourself discussing something warm and wonderful with a beloved family member as opposed to something dreary and painful with a stranger. See yourself as an ally who is not prying but rather mentoring.

If I was in such a situation as a manager, I might begin by saying, “Thank you for meeting with me. I think you know how glad I am to have you as a member of our team at work. You are bright and talented and bring a great deal to the table.”

After allowing for them to acknowledge the affirmation, I might continue, “In my capacity as your manager, I see it as my job to maximize the effectiveness of each member of the team. As such, I’ve come to believe that there is something holding you back from emerging as the leader I see you having the potential to be. It feels to me as if you might be holding back in your interactions with the team and with me. I’m not displeased with the quality of your work but I am concerned about your ability to feel safe and valued in the office.”

The entire time I was speaking, I would watch the face and body language of my colleague to see if he or she was feeling confused or upset by my comments. I’d stop at any time it looked as if they wanted to talk or ask a question. I’d need to be prepared to give examples of how they are holding back in their interactions at work.

“I sense that you are a very private person and I have no desire to infringe upon your privacy, but I was wondering if you feel you are as happy at work as you want to be, and whether you feel as free to be yourself at work as you’d like?”

This may not work. I’ve checked this approach out with a dozen gay people I know in the corporate world and their universal response is that it would effectively create an opportunity for them to come out, if they felt able. But that’s their opinion and mine, and we’re speaking as openly gay people. Trust your instincts. Do what works for you. But do something. Remember, avoidance is not a good business strategy personally or professionally.

Despite your best efforts, the gay colleague may still be too terrified of coming out for reasons you’ll never know, such as their life partner is an untenured teacher at a local school where there are no legal protections, or their father also works in the company and has forbidden them from coming out. Nevertheless, you didn’t fail. Trust that you have had a very effective and meaningful discussion. If they still need to cling to the safety of the shed, and they say “No, there’s nothing wrong at work. I feel just fine,” then smile and say without a look of disappointment, “Okay, good, I’m just checking in with you as I do periodically with others. You know that I’m here for you should you need me.”

But, don’t be surprised if three weeks later, the colleague in question approaches you and asks, “Can we talk?”

(I welcome comments and questions. Please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)

The question in the e-mail that arrived over the holiday weekend is not different than the one that has been asked for many, many years. The answer has changed, however, due to the long, hard work all of us have put into creating a world in which everyone feels valued.

“Hi Brian,

I am a lesbian with a partner. I had a previous partner of 5 years with whom I helped raise her biological son. At work, I often spoke about my ‘son,’ however, I was unsure how to field questions about him and our family, and most certainly unsure about the ‘weekend’ question. I never revealed that I was gay until I was leaving on disability, and I only did that because I knew I was never going back. Now that I am beginning a new job, I am in love with my new girlfriend of 2 years, and I really have no clue about how to approach these issues in a new workplace. I read your article on subtle discrimination, and I find that similar issues arise because I am considered a ‘single’ person with no children, and it is assumed that I can work later or take my vacation at a different time since I have no ‘family’ commitments, which I find unfair. Please, any advice that you would be willing to give is much appreciated. Happy New Year to you!”

Congratulations on your new job and on your relationship. Let’s both make a New Year’s resolution that in 2008 we’re not going to let anything or anyone at any time stop us from celebrating who we are in the world. It’s a challenge that faces all of us but one that we can overcome, especially if we do it together.

You didn’t tell me anything about your new job, so it’s hard for me to offer specific counsel about how to come out at work. There are so many variables. But you and I both know that you’ll be much happier and a much better worker if you are able to be yourself at work. It also will be a lot healthier for your relationship. If you hide your relationship at work, your partner will begin to feel that what you share together is embarrassing to you with others. Being in the closet is bad for our own health and the health of our family.

If your e-mail address is any indication of where you live, the State of Maryland prohibits discrimination based upon sexual orientation, so your company, whether or not it has its own non-discrimination policy, is bound by state law to protect you from a hostile or unwelcoming work environment. If it was me, I would first ask to meet with someone from Human Resources and tell him or her confidentially that I am gay and that I want to be able to be out at work. I’d ask them if they have any suggestions about doing so. I’d ask if my supervisor had any training on gay workplace issues and if he or she were clear about what is expected of them. I’d ask if there was an employee resource group (ERG) for gay people that I might contact.

In the office, I’d start slowly, not with an announcement on Monday morning of “Good morning everyone. I’m gay,” - but rather by putting a picture of my partner in my work area, and responding to questions about my weekend by saying “My partner and I plan to…” or “Ray and I saw a great film.” When asked to stay late or come in early, I’d say, “I’d be glad to. I’ll have to call Ray, because we have made plans with friends, but he’ll understand.” If I was asked to change my vacation plans, I’d say, “I’d be glad to, but Ray has already signed up for that week of vacation, and we’re taking a family holiday to Florida. The tickets are paid for. Can you please ask someone else?” Eventually, after watching his or her behavior to ensure that I was safe, I would ask to meet with my boss and share with him or her about my sexual orientation. If they asked how they could be most supportive, I’d suggest that they sponsor diversity training for the department on sexual orientation.

People take their cues from us. If we’re comfortable with ourselves, they eventually will be too. If they sense we’re hiding something, they’ll sooner or later figure out what it is and treat it as a shameful thing.

I’m in your corner. Don’t hesitate to come back and ask for support. But keep your eye on the horizon. You know the life you want and need to live. Don’t settle for anything less.

With best wishes for a New Year that is happy as a result of you singing your song with confidence and pride,

Brian

A few years ago, my response to this inquiry would have been filled with far more caution about the consequences of coming out. But times have changed, at least in most Western and in some Latin cultures. The plusses of coming out at work today almost always far outweigh the minuses in those environments.

My perspective is colored by the experiences I’ve had with U.S. companies and European financial institutions which have policies that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation. In those settings, I have seen openly gay people excel professionally and personally. These individuals have the support of their Human Resource (HR) representatives, have access to gay employee groups, and benefit from the positive effects of diversity training. Coming out under these circumstances, especially in an office and among peers that are professionally respectful of individual differences increases the sense of belonging and enhances productivity by eliminating unnecessary emotional distractions. In those same settings, I have seen closeted gay men and women flounder in fear, expending inordinate amounts of energy worrying about what they say to their peers and clients when asked about their private lives. Dodging the question “Are you married?” can send a closeted gay person into a funk for the rest of the day.

Even in settings where coming out might seem ill-advised, such as on factory floors, in a police or fire department, or in socially conservative sections of a country, given the right support from HR and peers, coming out produces far more happiness on the job than will ever be achieved by staying in the closet. People who stay in the closet are almost always suspected of being gay. Because they keep their private life a secret, they are often not seen as a good team player and therefore not a candidate for further advancement. If they experience their homosexuality as a negative, so too will their colleagues. If they present it as a positive, their colleagues will follow their lead.

Clearly, there are reasonable exceptions. Some people, gay, bisexual, or heterosexual, for instance, are shy and very private inside and outside of work. Coming out would do nothing to improve the quality of their daily interactions with peers because they wouldn’t welcome increased social interaction.

Some gay people have extenuating circumstances that impact the freedom they feel in coming out. The company may not prohibit discrimination based upon sexual orientation. Their immediate supervisor may be blatantly homophobic. Their HR representative may be clueless. My advice to them is to change jobs if at all possible. There is no reason to suffer in the closet when there are so many companies worldwide that would welcome them as openly gay people. In most countries today, there is no acceptable price tag for enduring an emotionally-abusive environment.

(If you have a question or comment, please visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)